Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity... Psalm 51:2
Have a sense of compassion for your own journey, for your own leaving and returning, a sense of, "Yes, yes, I'm loved when i take a risk. I'm loved even when i make a mistake because, somehow, it's an expression of my desire to claim myself. I did it in a wrong way, but i didn't have any other way to do it at that moment." Otherwise you start hurting yourself and putting yourself down and then the return becomes guilt-ridden and then God becomes a dark God who says, "Heh, heh. I always knew you would need me again."
That's not what God is saying. God is not sitting there laughing that you couldn't do it on your own and you finally had to confess you needed a parent's love. That's not the God we are talking about. Our God is much more intimate and loving. Our God waits with compassion and tenderness.
Your goodness, Lord, draws me to you. Thank you for offering me forgiveness.
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Again, i am struck by the feeling that forgiving myself, giving myself grace, having compassion for my own journey, is a much harder thing to do than to afford those things to others. And, I can definitely confirm the alternative: "Otherwise you start hurting yourself and putting yourself down and then the return becomes guilt-ridden..."
Perhaps, this why i don't "return" nearly as often as I should. I don't much understand returning without feeling guilt-ridden. But, "That's not the God we are talking about." God doesn't need us to feel awful about ourselves when we return. His grace covers our sin through Christ. When we return, our sin is just as quickly gone. It seems illogical, scandalous even. But, it's true.
Maybe, this is why i don't understand a return to God that isn't guilt ridden. Grace doesn't make sense. It doesn't seem fair. If i can't understand how it is fair for me to have to give that grace to others, how can i understand how it's fair for God to give it to me?
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